What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:32
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We were not on the streets..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When she asked me how she looked .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I will be 64.
She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ive learnt so much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He knew the spot.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She wouldn,t have been !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I write beautiful poetry .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
I think the readers, may guess!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was very sick at this time too.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was scared of men, in general
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i lived it daily.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Put me off passion for life!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I said to her
It was going to be , some day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But, we were locked up after school.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We all went to grammer schools
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was 9 years of age.
All the time i was locked up.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My life is so biszare .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One cannot live in the past .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.